Sticks and stones can break your bones, but words can never hurt me!
Do you remember saying this as a child or hearing it from others as they were taunted by bullies?
This rhyme, makes no sense because words do hurt and they can have a lasting impact on a person.
The word or words may not be true but they can still hold power over us and evoke emotions in us.
Ridicule, humiliation, taunting all cause emotional injury especially when delivered in our childhood years by our peers. Verbal abuse not only causes emotional trauma, it inflicts lasting physical trauma on the brain.
In early childhood trauma and abuse it can have a lasting impact on a person physically, personally and societally.
Verbal abuse from peers during the middle school years had the greatest impact, presumably because this is a sensitive period when these brain connections are developing and becoming insulated with myelin. (Myelin is formed by non-neuronal cells, brain cells that are also known as “the other brain”, or glia.) Psychologytoday.com
My Story
I understand how words can hurt all to well, as a young teen I was taunted with ugly words and to this day I have no idea why. I didn’t even know the boy hurling the insults.
I would quietly walk by and pretend to not notice and that it didn’t affect me, but it did.
I would silently cry by myself when no one was around. I didn’t say anything to anyone because somewhere inside I believed that I deserved these insults.
I would get phone calls on a Friday night from someone at a party and the insults would continue. I didn’t want my parents to know so I stayed on the call and listened, pretending to be on a call with a friend while the tears silently flowed. How weird is that?
I didn’t feel like I could talk to my parents and I didn’t want them to see how much I was hurting.
Then you hear the words, oh he likes you that’s why he’s saying those things.
Are you kidding me? Who came up with that crap?
If he liked me why would he insult and hurt me so badly?
Is that the kind of man we want to be our husband or friend? Or a partner for our children?
I don’t think so.
I want a person who loves me, cherishes me, and has the ability to talk things out without the insults. And I have one, I had to pick through a lot of weeds to find the right one. They are out there, so take your time to find the right one. The one that respects you and loves you enough to be your partner.
My mom was a loving kind mother and had a sharp tongue with her words.
I never felt like I could talk to my mother about anything that really mattered or hurt. I always felt like it didn’t matter or that I was being ridiculous so I sucked it up and pushed the hurt further down.
No-one could make me feel small quicker than my mom.
It took years to learn that it wasn’t about me, it was my mom’s stuff that she had hung onto or lived with in her life. It was her beliefs formed when she was a child and through her growing years.
This led to a lifelong journey of dis-ease both in my body and my mind.
The power of our Beliefs
This doesn’t mean that it didn’t hurt just as bad because at the time we aren’t aware that it doesn’t belong to us. We grow up thinking that there is something wrong with us. I spent years trying to fix myself, here’s the thing though….I wasn’t broken.
Most of our beliefs do not belong to us. Our beliefs are formed by our parents, siblings, grandparents, then off to school, teachers, peers, and bullies.
Then everyday life, religious beliefs, work beliefs, beliefs formed while attaining a degree. All of these form what we believe.
And that’s ok as long as those beliefs are beliefs that resonate with who you are and how you want to show up. When we start to question beliefs, that is when we learn what our true nature is and start to form other opinions that resonate with us.
Where we struggle is when there is a conflict between what we have been taught to believe and what we actually believe. It also comes from hearing negative words for a long time. We start to believe the negativity and it can form who we become and how we show up in our life. It forms patterns of low self-esteem, beliefs that we aren’t smart enough, we’re not pretty enough. We’re too fat, too skinny, we don’t like our hair, our skin and it goes on and on….Nobody could love us because dot dot dot…
I used to hear all the time, “well that’s just the way it is, that’s reality, society says”…..my reply was whose reality, what society, and who says it’s just the way it is….who are these people?
I was starting to question the beliefs of others because they weren’t fitting and resonating with who I was and who I was becoming.
Who does this belong to?
One of the best tools I ever learned was “Who does this belong to?”
It doesn’t belong to us so let it go and let the person hurling insults keep it.
If it doesn’t belong to us then shift the belief into one that resonates with who you are and what you believe.
Choosing our words can and does have a lasting impression on others.
I see it in my practice everyday. Clients who think that they are ugly or stupid because they heard it so often from others.
Negative words have the power to destroy someone emotionally, physically, and mentally.
Positive words have the power to uplift and energize people.
Here’s the thing though…..when someone hears negative words more than positive words, they will likely hear the negative words first and focus on them before they will hear or recognize all the positive words.
They will remember that one negative word that was spoken to them or hurled at them like a weapon.
It’s a huge responsibility to be in a position of leadership and always get it right when speaking.
We are human and sometimes our emotions can overwhelm us and before we know it we’ve said something hurtful to someone.
A tool that works very effectively is to stop and take a breath before you speak. Think about what you want to say and the impact that could have on the other person. It only takes a second or two to shift our thinking and more than likely you will choose a better word that could lift someone up rather than tear them down.
People listen when you speak. Choose your words carefully.
You may be holding the key to someone’s emotions.
Think before you speak….
T – is it True?
H – is it Helpful?
I – is it Inspiring?
N – is it Necessary?
K – is it Kind?
If it’s not true, helpful, inspiring, necessary or kind….then it’s a pretty good practice to say nothing.
My mother always used to say, “If you have nothing good to say, say nothing at all.”
Wise words indeed.
How can I help you today?
Dianne Parnell